Captured my heart

What has now become a blog was
originally an email I started writing this morning to my dad. As I
reread the email I saw how much it explained about my spiritual
journey and wanted to share.

Dad,

I’m sitting in the living room at my
home and it feels like I have a golf ball in my throat. Maybe I want
to cry, which would be know surprise at all knowing how deeply I feel
things. However, I’m not able to pin point my current emotion. Am I
sad? Am I heavy hearted? Am I so overwhelmed with how God works that
I can’t do anything but cry? Am I scared? Am I joyful?

The answer… yes!I think I’m feeling
all of those things: Sad my team mate Stephanie is planning on going
home. Heavy hearted for the people of this nation and my lack of
intentional community back home. Overwhelmed because I read past
blogs and journal entries only to see how I poured out my desires to
God and here I am on the field again. Scared knowing that God is
going to stretch me more, He’s going to stretch this team to do
things His son did. Joyful, so joyful because this is exactly where I
need to be and I know that. I can’t help but focus on this season and
this season only.

I can’t even see past Africa, there is
not future plan forming in my mind or indecision worrying me for the
first time in my life. I’m in a state of mind called peace, God has
spoken this word over me this past year consistently and used other
people to speak this into me as well. I knew that meant I would
experience peace and I always knew that I would then be a peace
maker. My hope of course that it would be in other countries but I
can see how He used me to do that at home to. Now, here He has me in
Africa bringing hope to the hopeless, dying to myself daily, choosing
Him and all there is for me is peace.

How great is our God that He sustains
us in every season of life if we allow Him to? How great that He can
pluck us from our comfort zone and ship us off to the unknown without
even a days notice? How great is our God that He releases new
freedoms over us daily, that we get to walk in that freedom when we
choose Him just like Psalm 119:45 says: “I
will walk in freedom, for I have devoted myself to Your
commandments.”

That’s
really what I’m doing, devoting myself to His commandments despite
the uncertainty of what’s to come because I trust that it’s good. So
good, that I won’t be able to contain my joy or hide what He’s doing
in me and using me to do.

“Take
my heart and make me knew, make it true and make it like You. Take my
hands I life them high, their Yours not mine to do what You will. I’m
ready now.” Lyrics from a song by Desperation Band- lyrics I’ve
repeated and meant; I sit here in awe of God how He took my heart and
made it new. He knew what events needed to happen to prepare me for
this season; He readied me. He needed to swoop me off of my feet and
romance me in a way that has only broken my heart more for his people
and caused me to fall more in love with Him. More in love with his
creation, His people, to feel more
for the nations and strive for social justice.

Praise
God for knowing me, for memorizing me, for readying me for the
unknown and challenging me out of my comfort zone. Praise God for
love that doesn’t run out. Praise God for peace when I can’t see the
next step and praise God for seeing the next step and asking me to
trust Him with everything. My foot says, “Direct my footsteps
according to Your will, let no sin rule over me.” Psalm 119:133
Okay God, continue to direct my footsteps according to Your perfect
will.

Dad,
I can’t even begin to explain how He’s used you and the wisdom He’s
given you to walk me through the past couple of years. Mostly how
this past year He’s used you and made you such a huge part of my life
and then asked me to leave you, twice. I can see how He’s challenged
me to step away from home so that He would be my only reliance. This
time around will be a season of less communication for us, in
comparison to Nicaragua. I know that’s because things will get tough;
He wants me to question Him, wrestle with Him and listen to His
insight for hours. This leads me to a place where I’m thankful for an
earthly father who strives to be like the Son of our Heavenly Father.

God
has brought me to a place I never foresaw and continues to wreck my
heart for young people, broken hearts and bringing hope. Thank you
God for pursuing my heart and I try to pursue You.