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In the course of the last month in a half, my heart has experienced more pain and sadness then it has joy and happiness.  I’ve been questioning whether or not I made the right decision by coming on the trip.  While being here, nothing has seemed to been what I imagined and the worst part is I’m unable to have the comfort of my family along side me.  

 

Before embarking on this journey I was an incredibly lonely person.  I had lost a lot of friends and I was trying to figure out the direction of my life. I would ask God to bring people into my life, to surround me with community.  I’m a person that needs community.  I applied for the expedition trip and said, “God, if it’s suppose to happen, pave the way.”  Sure enough, He did.  Seven months of anticipation!! I couldn’t wait to meet my team and spend four months in Africa with them.  I figured I would be making friends for life and we were going to click right away.  I had imagined this to be a perfect experience.  I’d never been more wrong…

 

Training camp was good, we all got along I was ready to begin our journey together.  After arriving to Uganda and getting settled in I was no longer comfortable.  I was finally surrounded by people, but why was I so unhappy?  I no longer felt like myself.  I no longer wanted to be surrounded by these people. I wanted to go home.  Conversations were happening that I just didn’t want to partake in, there was a lack of intimacy happening with Christ and all I wanted was to be consumed by the Spirit.  I’d wake up early in Kwapa to watch the sunrise (breathtaking) and pray.  I would talk to God and ask “What the heck is going on? What am I doing here? Everything I was experiencing I could have stayed home to experience.”   After a couple days of being miserable and complaining to God, I realized I needed a HUGE attitude adjustment.  I began having conversations that consisted of me asking for His attitude.  I was in desperate need of needing to be filled. 

 

The following are a few prayers prayed and how they changed…

 

“Father, I am DESPERATE for you! All I want to do is go home! I’ve been nothing but discouraged.  God, I don’t know what to do.  I feel so alone, and to be quite honest, if I wanted to feel alone I didn’t have to fly all the way to Africa.  I could have stayed home.  But Lord, I know you’re faithful.  I know you have a plan.  But Jesus, I’m asking for you to start revealing part of that plan.  My heart, Lord, is broken, only you can heal it.  I NEED you to heal it.  I know you are good ALL the time, not just some of the time, so Father, make me happy again.  Maybe this is part of your plan to make me completely desperate and dependent on you.  Comfort me. I need comfort.” 

“Jesus, I ask that you would guide my tongue.  Let me speak only what needs to be said.  Let me speak in love and not in conceit.  Father, I wasn’t you to be my desire.  Teach me how to be your child.  I want to love like you, I want to liv like you.  Lord, set me apart from the rest of the world.  Allow me to be the light on top of the hill.  Consume me, allow me to focus solely on the present.  Teach my heart to be loving and sensitive and understanding.  Make my heart pure.  Make me whole.  I’m way out of my comfort zone, but Lord, use that for good.  You never forsake me, continue to remind me of that . 

Thank you Jesus for giving me another day.  I really am thankful for each new day you’ve given me.  Thank you for saving me from a life of death.  Thank you for paying the greatest price.  I pray I can glorify and honor you daily.  Father, I want to be so completely lost in you!  I want YOU to be my only heart’s desire.  Show me your path and guide my feet. I don’t want to be so disconnected from the world that I can’t have a normal conversation, but I do want you to be my focus.  I want to always rel on you.  Without you I am nothing.  Keep reminding me of that.  Strengthen my faith and teach me to passionately and genuinely love people.  Father, you’ve given me today so today is your day.  Be my whole life.  Thank you for your love. I love you!”

 

Despite the hard times of this trip, my God is a God who provides.  He always keeps his promises.  And even when things happen here, whether it be between my team and I or in the culture, that I don’t understand and make me absolutely crazy, the best lesson I’m learning is full reliance on God.  I’m learning what it means to be content in Christ.  So, come May if the only thing I learned was to trust and find that contentment, I’m completely okay with that.